What Kids Should Know When Someone They Love Needs Surgery
Helping Your Child Cope When a Family Member Needs Surgery
5 Strategies from a Board-Certified Neurosurgeon
What’s the first thing your child thinks of when they hear the word surgery?
As a board-certified neurosurgeon, I’ve seen thousands of families struggle with this situation. When someone in the family needs surgery, children often sense that something big is happening. They might feel confused, anxious, or even scared.
But here’s what most people don’t realize: with the right approach, this experience can actually strengthen family bonds and help children develop resilience. In this video, I’m going to walk you through five strategies to help your child feel safe and supported when a family member needs surgery.
Why Preparation Matters
What makes this especially important is that research shows that children who are well prepared for a family member’s surgery experience less anxiety—and they can actually develop better coping skills for future challenges.
But timing and approach are everything, and that’s exactly what we’re going to cover today.
As someone who performs complex surgeries every week, I understand both the physical and emotional aspects surrounding surgery and how this can affect family members—sometimes more so than the patient. I’ve helped hundreds of families navigate this delicate situation.
And today, I’m going to share everything I’ve learned about turning fear into comfort for your child.
1. The Communication Framework: Choosing the Right Time and Place
Let me tell you about a common scenario I see in my practice. A parent comes in for a consultation, leaves with a surgery scheduled, and then realizes on the drive home: How am I going to tell the kids?
Parents often wait until the night before, thinking that they’re protecting their children from worry. But here’s why that approach can backfire.
The first and most crucial step is choosing the right time and place to have this conversation. Research from child psychologists shows that children need time to process big news and ask questions.
Here’s how to handle this:
- Choose a calm moment when you have plenty of time—ideally a weekend morning or after school when there’s no rush.
- Pick a comfortable, familiar place where your child feels safe, like their bedroom or the family room.
- Avoid having this conversation right before bedtime or during other stressful times.
Most importantly, don’t wait until the last minute. Child life specialists recommend having this conversation at least several days before surgery, giving children time to process their emotions and ask questions that may come up later.
2. Age-Appropriate Explanations: Making It Understandable
Recently, I had a father ask me, “How do I explain brain surgery to my four-year-old without terrifying them?”
It’s a great question—and the answer lies in understanding how children at different ages think about the body and illness.
For younger children (ages 2 to 5), use simple, concrete terms: “The doctors are going to help fix mommy’s body.” Compare it to something familiar: “Just like when we take the car to the mechanic to fix it,” or “When daddy needs to fix that broken part on your bike.”
Use play therapy techniques. You can use a doctor’s kit to demonstrate or even draw pictures.
For school-age children (6 to 12), provide more detailed but still simple explanations. Use analogies they can understand, like “The surgeon is a very skilled repair person for the body.” Show them age-appropriate medical diagrams if they’re interested.
For teenagers, be more direct and detailed about the procedure. Share reliable medical resources if they want to learn more and involve them in the preparation process.
3. Managing Emotions and Creating a Safe Place
One of the most powerful moments I’ve witnessed was when a mother sat with her eight-year-old son and simply said, “It’s okay to feel scared. I feel a little scared, too.”
The honesty in that moment created such a beautiful connection between them.
Here’s how to create an emotionally safe place for your child:
- Validate their feelings. Tell them it’s normal to feel worried, scared, or even angry. Research shows that children who feel their emotions are acknowledged cope better with stress.
- Show your own feelings appropriately. While you want to remain strong, it’s okay to admit some nervousness. This shows them that having emotions is normal and healthy.
- Create opportunities for expression. Some children might want to talk, others might prefer to draw pictures or play out their feelings. Follow their lead.
4. Practical Preparation: Making It Tangible
I’ll never forget the young girl who came to the hospital the day before her father’s surgery clutching a handmade get well soon card and wearing a toy stethoscope. Her mother helped her prepare in such a beautiful way—and it made all the difference.
Here’s how to practically prepare your child:
- Create a countdown calendar and mark important dates like pre-surgery appointments.
- Include fun activities leading up to the surgery.
- Plan special time together before and after.
- Show them what to expect—pictures or videos of the hospital, or explain what they might see like bandages, IVs, or crutches.
- Give them a role: let them pack a comfort bag for the patient or help with recovery planning.
5. Building a Support System: Keeping Routine and Stability
Studies show that maintaining routine is crucial for children during times of family stress. Predictability helps children feel secure even when big changes are happening.
Here’s how to maintain stability while adapting:
- Create a schedule—map out who will care for the children during the surgery.
- Keep routines as normal as possible.
- Communicate openly and be willing to answer questions.
- Prepare your child for changes in the home environment. Explain that their loved one may have bandages, braces, or need special medicine.
- Involve children in small care tasks and plan one-on-one time with other family members.
A Final Message to Parents
Remember—children are incredibly resilient, especially when they feel supported and included.
By following these strategies—choosing the right time and place, giving age-appropriate explanations, managing emotions, preparing practically, and maintaining stability—you can help your child not just cope with a family member’s surgery, but actually grow from the experience.
I’ve seen countless families emerge stronger after going through this journey together. The key is honesty, patience, and love.
And remember, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to your healthcare team. We’re here to support the whole family.
If you found this video helpful, I have another video specifically for children about understanding surgery that you can watch together. Click the video on the screen now, and don’t forget to subscribe for more medical guidance—because when we understand more, we fear less.
Thank you for watching.